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28 February 2016 @ 09:30 pm

You you called it a dream.
You told people I was the one to take your hand and put it over myself.
I was sexually harassed in my sleep, and even then it’s my responsibility.
Even at that situation, it was “you reacted”, "you enjoyed".
Even though I clearly said my limits, that sleeping in the same bed does not mean intimate contact.
That sleeping in the same bed does not mean sex.
And you promised and assured,
how considerate you are, how we will take it slow with what I’m uncomfortable doing,
how it’s enough to just be with me.
You lied.

I know exactly what it was. I know exactly how conscious you were.
You knew how I felt, but listened to whatever suited you.
“Her thighs are sensitive, her ass is sensitive, she said so herself -” so that you don’t go over my comfort zone.
“She said she wants to first have more casual relationship, before I get her in bed. But she invited me, I just agreed” - because you knew exactly what a sleeping person can do - nothing.

I felt the weird sensation, that on one hand tells me it’s a red light, tells me I should stop you, and push you away,
but on the other hand, my body told me to react first, finish first, enjoy first and then push away.
You sexually harassed me, fully aware, that I was asleep, that I couldn’t say “no”.
You sexually harassed me. And once you could, you denied it.
"It was a dream"
“It wasn’t rape”, “don’t call yourself a victim”, “why are you even crying?”
I cry because I am a victim, and because if I didn't stop, it would become rape.

I was sexually harassed.
You come and say “I had this weird dream”
“It wasn’t” I answer
all you say is “oh.”
no apologies, no guilt no regret. and I shatter on the inside.
Yoh had your fun, "it was a dream".

But what am I supposed to say?

Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Let Her Go - Passanger
23 February 2015 @ 12:51 am
I have a lot to post about but it'd be a shame to waste time and space on the long gone past so here's a short version:

(assuming my last posting was probably over more than a year ago... if not more)

  1. I successfully (or not completely successfully if I am accurate) went through the hell of second year in my Russian university. Which for me was equal to hell. So... I survived hell! Even managing to finally fulfill my dream/desire/wish to visit and study in Korea!

  2. Currently I am sitting in a room in a hotel in Busan with my dad who came to visit!

  3. For a while I've been thinking that I 'want' to stay in Korea and finish university here (I was planning to transfer to Korea university from my Russian university)

  4. But at the same time I've also had lots of doubts, some of the main ones being: the army, my future, and my attachment to the country. (because while I do like it here, nothing really attaches me to this place. It's nice to visit, but I don't have major strings attaching me to stay here longer, muchless forever)

  5. So I've been considering returning to Israel, but there's obviously a few weird things about that as well.

  6. Also I decided that I want to try and make TOPIK a thing in Israel, at least in the Hebrew University. I don't know how much of a success it'll be but I want to try. I want it to be a personal project of mine.

There's probably a lot more, like the fact I have 4 more months to stay here anyway, and that I need to be moving from Seoul back to my 'village' in 4 days, and that's quite stressful, but knowing I want to return to Israel might make things easier.

Also I don't know how to tell my friends my mind suddenly changed like that, because I came to this conclusion really realistically only because of my dad and it might look to them like I was swayed by emotions.

Also I don't want to deal with the people which I don't want to deal with but I'll probably have to.

Sigh, it's been more than a year since I wrote in this blog, and yet nothing changed. THE STRUGGLE.
Current Location: Busan, S. Korea
Current Mood: Thinking
Current Music: Mimaamakim - Idan Raichel
19 November 2013 @ 01:20 pm
Wow it has been a long while since I decided to last write about something not so happy or depressing or angering here, but guess what, it's time for another "super optimistic" (not) complaint from me.
I've been depressed in my life, but it usually wouldn't last long, it would be a day or two, usually not even that, it would be like an hour in which I start crying and telling myself how worthless and stupid and awful of a person I am. And then I'd get up wipe away the tears and keep on going with my life. You know like an injury, you fall you get hurt, you cry, it heals. But this time I feel different.
I just sort of came into this point in my life right now where I just want to sleep all the time. (Well not literally, I just mean that I don't want to do anything at all.) Well you know most call it depression, though I feel it's not really the depression I usually have but more of a sort of feeling of hatred towards where I am now and the people. It's the feeling of simply being sick to the stomach from the situation you're at, and although you want to make it better and keep the hope that it's only temporary, the situation just seems to last forever and it devours that hope, because you just have to fucking deal with the situation whether you like it or not. The only thing you can do is "hope" and just hoping is frustrating, because hope is such a fragile thing, we sometimes forget its existence especially in hard times.
It's been more than a week. I don't even remember when I started feeling like that, I would start the day feeling that I don't want to do anything, I would pray for classes to get canceled and simply not come to the ones that weren't. (And funny enough, I did have a lot of classes canceled, and they were all my usual favourite classes) I'd try to occupy myself with anything, to distract me from thinking about how much I fucking hate this place and I want to leave it. I've never hated a place so much in my life. Even my elementary school, where I was bullied and had a boycott done on me. I didn't hate it as much as I hate the university I'm in now.
As much as I've come to understand Russians and their mentality, I just don't connect with them, there are still so many things that are new and I can't get used to. I try to understand them, to be like them (not literally, I mean as in follow their mentality) but it's just so hard and unlike me, I just... the more I understand their mentality, the more I understand that I dislike it, that it's not the type of mentality I want to follow. I'm tired of the way things work in my university, why is it that I have to run around Moscow all the time to get information from one part to another. What's with the nerve to reject and approve of things, and the bad connection and old everything. I know it doesn't really make sense to most who will read (if there's anyone) But I'm tired of having to do their job for them. I'm tired of Having to wake up at 7 (yea, it's not that early, but I am NOT a morning person, and it's simply HARDER to pass through all this at such an early time, especially where here in Moscow, from about October, 7am is still dark outside. I started sleeping with lights turned on.
As much as I consider my Russian to be fluent, it's still only fluent on the level of a normal conversation, but of course it's not like that in the university, you have to understand mathematical terms in Russian, and a lot of complicated words. Not only that. Even if I do understand everything, there's NO WAY I can both follow it and manage to write it all in my notebook, even the summarised stuff, I have to ask twice thrice or more for the teacher to repeat the same thing so I can write it correctly. Often I end up having to write "The economically beneficial materials were passed through China in order to... do something" or I simply draw wriggly lines that look as if I wrote something in Russian that would be completely not readable a second time. The exam system is stupid, and I just don't want to see the teachers and students anymore.
I've never cried as much in my entire life as I did this week, I thought things were getting better but they aren't, yesterday I felt awful, though I thought I won't, since I managed to go to sleep normally and wake up quite normally. Today again I ditched because I couldn't bring myself to come to school. And later I will be crying because they kicked me out of the university. Since I don't know how to manipulate their minds. I have a long list of things I have to finish and I'm just not in the spirit to do them, and everybody in my class hates me because I keep on disappearing and ditching, they put up a nice front, but when I ask for help they obviously avoid helping me, although they know it's a struggle for me.
I'll try to survive, though it's really hard. Tomorrow I'll go to school again, and try to catch up on everything I need to.
But still the awful feeling and depression haven't left. I'm even starting to feel like I can't eat anything anymore.
23 October 2013 @ 11:44 pm
I was thinking about what it means to start anew, start again, "turn over to a new page"... I can't really grasp that concept, I feel that it's only possible if you completely throw away everything you've known, everything that you owned and everything that you were (well I'm not saying to become a robot, but I mean that in order to start anew, one must get rid of all his habits and create new ones in their stead)

I've wanted to start anew a lot of times, each time I felt like I might actually succeed but I failed. The first time I felt I could change myself was when I finished elementary school. There I was a weak, crybaby who got bullied by people and called "Smelly Russian" and "Big Nose". After I got completely trampled over by those people and "taught" them a lesson, I thought that moving into Middle School I could open a new leaf. Well it sort of was right, I was much better, I tried to be more social, and I did gain more friends, was more active during class, and was mainly accepted by most of the people, but I remember looking at myself at one pointing and thinking that I didn't REALLY open over a new leaf, I just put on a mask, after all, at home I was still a crybaby, I'd still feel that everybody are sending stinking stares at me, and would just bare the misery I created for myself, I felt that as long as I'm tied to that place, my home at that time, the school, the people around, I felt that I wouldn't be able to escape who I really am, and as much as it's bad to run away from myself, I just wanted to be MYSELF again... because that mask I put started to become heavier with every day.
My second time to have decided to open a new leaf was when we moved to Russia, I thought that here, there will be nobody who knows me, everybody are strangers, I finally am moving from the home I knew which I believe was tying me to the me which I didn't exactly want to be... But I was still wearing a mask. I hate the me of that time, I was so into my own world, creating my own misery once again: that everything is hard, that I can't make friends, that I don't want to study... During this time although I grew as a person, and have started to slowly move towards the path I wanted, I still was pressured by a lot of things to be not exactly myself yet again, and have developed a lot of bad habits, more bad habits than good ones. I've made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot from them during that time. But that "open leaf" didn't work out as I planned either.
Now... well, last year, I tried it again, by entering university, once again leaving as much as possible behind (the people, the places, though I'm still in the same "home") at first it seemed cool, I felt like I might be changing finally for the better but, no I hate to say but I don't enjoy my life right now as much as I wanted to whether it's my fault or something else... but I need a change, and I realised that this change will come to me only when I actually take it in my hands to do something, instead of expecting things to just change because the atmosphere changed.

But as I mentioned in the very beginning, I still need that atmosphere change, because right now, nothing but my head are encouraging me to change and open a new leaf, and that means that nothing will actually work out...
06 April 2013 @ 06:24 pm
I went to a party mom, and your words kept on ringing in my head.
So I didn't drink, mom, and I felt so proud of myself.
"Don't drink, dear," you kept on saying, "Return home safely."
So even though others offered, I didn't, mom, I drank coke instead.

I know you were always right, mom, and that I did the right thing.
And now the party is over mom, and I know that I'll be home safely,
I enter the car, mom, and drive carefully,
Thanks to the things you taught me, mom, love and responsibility.

I drive, mom, carefully, just as you asked,
but the car in front, mom, it didn't notice and hit me.
I lay here, on the side of the road, mom, I can hear the cop's words.
He was drunk, mom, and I'm the one who has to give up.

I'm lying here, dying, I wish you came faster, mom.
Why did it happen to me, and not the other driver, mom?
There's a lot of blood around me, mom. I'm assuming it's mostly mine,
I can hear the paramedic. Mom, he says there's not much they can do about me.

I just wanted to tell you, I didn't drink, mom! I swear!
The others did mom, the ones who though it was a party.
That driver was probably there too, mom, exactly where I was,
The only difference is, he drank but lives, mom, and I'm the way I am.

Why do people drink, mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I can feel sharp pains mom, sharp and piercing like a knife.
The driver is walking around me, mom, he's looking hesitantly,
I don't think it's fair, mom, He drank but I'm the one dying.

Mom, don't worry, tell this to dad, and brother, and everybody else,
Even when I reach the skies, mom, I know you'll always be by my side.
Somebody should've told him, mom. That drinking and driving is not worth it.
If only someone would've told him, I'd still be alive now, mom.

My breathing becomes short, mom, I'm scared,
But mom, don't cry, it's hard to say goodbye either way.
I just have one last question, mom, before I close my eyes forever,
I didn't drink mom, so why did I have to lose my life?

Don't drink if you have to drive. Even if you don't die, you might become responsible for somebody else's death.

I didn't write this, simply translated from Hebrew.
Credit goes to original owner of this passage.